If we responded to difficult situations with positive or peaceful mind they would not be problems for us. Eventually we might even regard them as challenges or opportunities for growth and development.
Problems arise only if we respond to difficulties with a negative state of mind. Therefore, if we want to be free from problems, we must transform our mind.
"Geshe Kelsang has a unique gift for addressing everyday difficulties." — AMERICAN LIBRARY ASSOCIATION'S BOOKLIST
"This book offers peace of mind in these troubled times." — PUBLISHING NEWS
"I highly recommend this book to anyone seeking happiness or greater meaning in their lives." — THOMAS MITCHELL, PROFESSOR, INDIANA UNIVERSITY
Excerpt from this book:
Why we get angry
Anger is a response to feelings of unhappiness, which in turn arise whenever we meet with unpleasant circumstances. Whenever we are prevented from fulfilling our wishes, or forced into a situation we dislike—in short, whenever we have to put up with something we would rather avoid—our uncontrolled mind reacts by immediately feeling unhappy. This uncomfortable feeling can easily turn into anger, and we become even more disturbed than before.
It is a very useful exercise to examine the types of situation in which we get angry. We will probably find that most of our anger arises when our desires are frustrated and we do not get what we want. For example, a man who very much wants to be with his lover will be extremely resentful of anyone or anything that prevents him from doing this. If his lover refuses to see him, or leaves him for someone else, his unhappiness can easily turn into rage. It is essential that we learn new ways of relating to frustrations and disappointments. Since it is unreasonable to expect that we can fulfill all our wants and desires, we must cultivate a more realistic and balanced approach to them.
The other main reason we become unhappy and angry is because we are faced with a situation we do not want or like. Every day we encounter hundreds of situations we do not like, from stubbing our toe or having a disagreement with our partner, to discovering that our house has burned down or that we have cancer. Our normal reaction to all of these occurrences is to become unhappy and angry. However, no matter how much we try we cannot prevent unpleasant things from happening to us. We cannot promise that for the rest of the day nothing bad will happen to us. We cannot even promise that we will be alive to see the end of the day. In samsara we are not in control of what happens to us.
Since it is impossible to fulfill all our desires or to stop unwanted things from happening to us, we need to find a different way of relating to frustrated desires and unwanted occurrences. We need to learn patient acceptance.
Patience is a mind that is able to accept, fully and happily, whatever occurs. It is much more than just gritting our teeth and putting up with things. Being patient means welcoming wholeheartedly whatever arises, having given up the idea that things should be other than what they are. It is always possible to be patient. There is no situation so bad that it cannot be accepted patiently, with an open, accommodating, and peaceful heart.
When patience is present in our mind it is impossible for unhappy thoughts to gain a foothold. There are many examples of people who have managed to practice patience even in the most extreme circumstances, such as under torture or in the final ravages of cancer. Although their body was ruined beyond repair, deep down their mind remained at peace. By learning to accept the small difficulties and hardships that arise every day in the course of our lives, gradually our capacity for patient acceptance will increase and eventually we will know for ourself the freedom and joy that true patience brings.
If we practice the patience of voluntarily accepting suffering, we can maintain a peaceful mind even when experiencing suffering and pain. If we maintain this peaceful and positive state of mind through the force of mindfulness, unhappy minds will have no opportunity to arise. On the other hand, if we allow ourself to dwell on unhappy thoughts there will be no way for us to prevent anger from arising. For this reason Geshe Chekhawa said, “Always rely upon a happy mind alone.”
As mentioned above, the main reason we become unhappy is because our wishes are not fulfilled or we have to deal with an unpleasant situation. However, as Shantideva says in Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life:
Patient acceptance does not necessarily mean that we do not take practical steps to improve our situation. If it is possible to remedy the situation, then of course we should, but to do this we do not need to become unhappy and impatient. For example, when we have a headache, there is no contradiction between practicing patience and taking medicine, but until the medicine takes effect we need to accept whatever discomfort we feel with a calm and patient mind. If instead of accepting our present pain we become unhappy and fight against it, we will just become tense, and as a result it will take longer to get rid of our headache. As long as we are in samsara, we cannot avoid unpleasant, difficult situations and a certain amount of physical discomfort, but by training our mind to look at frustrating situations in a more realistic way, we can free ourself from a lot of unnecessary mental suffering.
There are innumerable occasions when it is easy to develop an unhappy mind. When we ourself, our family, or our friends are mistreated, blamed, or are experiencing any kind of misfortune, we normally react by becoming unhappy. We also become unhappy when our relationships are difficult, when we have financial or health problems, when we lose what is important to us, when we are lonely or can never find the time to be alone, when we cannot find work or have too much work, when our dreams and wishes remain unfulfilled or, once fulfilled, leave us feeling hollow and dissatisfied, when we fail or when our success brings with it more stress than we can bear, or when people we dislike are successful—the list is endless. In all these situations our unhappiness can easily lead to a feeling that life or other people are unfair to us, and this depresses us even more.
Instead of reacting blindly through the force of emotional habit, we should examine whether it is helpful or realistic to become unhappy in these situations. We do not need to become unhappy just because things do not go our way. Until now this has been our reaction to difficulties, but once we recognize that it does not work we are free to respond in a more realistic and constructive way.
Patient acceptance is often considered a weak and passive response to problems that we do not have the power or courage to solve. In reality, however, being patient is far from being passive. There is nothing strong or courageous in reacting to hardship or insults with anger—all we are doing is being defeated by our delusions. On the other hand, by standing up to our delusions and refusing to fall into our well-worn mental grooves of intolerance and non-acceptance, we are taking a very strong, active stance.
In reality, most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a failure to accept things as they are—in which case it is patient acceptance, rather than attempting to change externals, that is the solution. For example, many of our relationship problems arise because we do not accept our partner as he or she is. In these cases the solution is not to change our partner into what we would like him to be, but to accept him fully as he is. There are many levels of acceptance. Perhaps we already try to tolerate our partner’s idiosyncrasies, refrain from criticizing him or her, and go along with his wishes most of the time, but in the depths of our heart have we given up judging him? Are we completely free from resentment and blaming? Isn’t there still a subtle thought that he should be different from the way he is? True patience involves letting go of all these thoughts.
Once we fully accept other people as they are without the slightest judgment or reservation—the way all enlightened beings accept us—then there will be no basis for problems in our relations with others. Problems do not exist outside our mind, so when we stop seeing other people as problems they stop being problems. The person who is a problem to a non-accepting mind does not exist in the calm, clear space of patient acceptance.
Patient acceptance not only helps us, it also helps those we are patient with. Being accepted feels very different from being judged. When someone feels judged, they automatically become tight and defensive, but when they feel accepted they can relax, and this allows their good qualities to come to the surface. Patience always solves our inner problems, and it often solves problems between people as well.
It is a very useful exercise to examine the types of situation in which we get angry. We will probably find that most of our anger arises when our desires are frustrated and we do not get what we want. For example, a man who very much wants to be with his lover will be extremely resentful of anyone or anything that prevents him from doing this. If his lover refuses to see him, or leaves him for someone else, his unhappiness can easily turn into rage. It is essential that we learn new ways of relating to frustrations and disappointments. Since it is unreasonable to expect that we can fulfill all our wants and desires, we must cultivate a more realistic and balanced approach to them.
The other main reason we become unhappy and angry is because we are faced with a situation we do not want or like. Every day we encounter hundreds of situations we do not like, from stubbing our toe or having a disagreement with our partner, to discovering that our house has burned down or that we have cancer. Our normal reaction to all of these occurrences is to become unhappy and angry. However, no matter how much we try we cannot prevent unpleasant things from happening to us. We cannot promise that for the rest of the day nothing bad will happen to us. We cannot even promise that we will be alive to see the end of the day. In samsara we are not in control of what happens to us.
Since it is impossible to fulfill all our desires or to stop unwanted things from happening to us, we need to find a different way of relating to frustrated desires and unwanted occurrences. We need to learn patient acceptance.
Patience is a mind that is able to accept, fully and happily, whatever occurs. It is much more than just gritting our teeth and putting up with things. Being patient means welcoming wholeheartedly whatever arises, having given up the idea that things should be other than what they are. It is always possible to be patient. There is no situation so bad that it cannot be accepted patiently, with an open, accommodating, and peaceful heart.
When patience is present in our mind it is impossible for unhappy thoughts to gain a foothold. There are many examples of people who have managed to practice patience even in the most extreme circumstances, such as under torture or in the final ravages of cancer. Although their body was ruined beyond repair, deep down their mind remained at peace. By learning to accept the small difficulties and hardships that arise every day in the course of our lives, gradually our capacity for patient acceptance will increase and eventually we will know for ourself the freedom and joy that true patience brings.
If we practice the patience of voluntarily accepting suffering, we can maintain a peaceful mind even when experiencing suffering and pain. If we maintain this peaceful and positive state of mind through the force of mindfulness, unhappy minds will have no opportunity to arise. On the other hand, if we allow ourself to dwell on unhappy thoughts there will be no way for us to prevent anger from arising. For this reason Geshe Chekhawa said, “Always rely upon a happy mind alone.”
As mentioned above, the main reason we become unhappy is because our wishes are not fulfilled or we have to deal with an unpleasant situation. However, as Shantideva says in Guide to the Bodhisattva’s Way of Life:
If something can be remediedIf there is a way to remedy an unpleasant, difficult situation, what point is there in being unhappy? On the other hand, if it is completely impossible to remedy the situation or to fulfill our wishes, there is also no reason to get upset, because how will becoming unhappy help? This line of reasoning is very useful because we can apply it to any situation.
Why be unhappy about it?
And if there is no remedy for it,
There is still no point in being unhappy.
Patient acceptance does not necessarily mean that we do not take practical steps to improve our situation. If it is possible to remedy the situation, then of course we should, but to do this we do not need to become unhappy and impatient. For example, when we have a headache, there is no contradiction between practicing patience and taking medicine, but until the medicine takes effect we need to accept whatever discomfort we feel with a calm and patient mind. If instead of accepting our present pain we become unhappy and fight against it, we will just become tense, and as a result it will take longer to get rid of our headache. As long as we are in samsara, we cannot avoid unpleasant, difficult situations and a certain amount of physical discomfort, but by training our mind to look at frustrating situations in a more realistic way, we can free ourself from a lot of unnecessary mental suffering.
There are innumerable occasions when it is easy to develop an unhappy mind. When we ourself, our family, or our friends are mistreated, blamed, or are experiencing any kind of misfortune, we normally react by becoming unhappy. We also become unhappy when our relationships are difficult, when we have financial or health problems, when we lose what is important to us, when we are lonely or can never find the time to be alone, when we cannot find work or have too much work, when our dreams and wishes remain unfulfilled or, once fulfilled, leave us feeling hollow and dissatisfied, when we fail or when our success brings with it more stress than we can bear, or when people we dislike are successful—the list is endless. In all these situations our unhappiness can easily lead to a feeling that life or other people are unfair to us, and this depresses us even more.
Instead of reacting blindly through the force of emotional habit, we should examine whether it is helpful or realistic to become unhappy in these situations. We do not need to become unhappy just because things do not go our way. Until now this has been our reaction to difficulties, but once we recognize that it does not work we are free to respond in a more realistic and constructive way.
Patient acceptance is often considered a weak and passive response to problems that we do not have the power or courage to solve. In reality, however, being patient is far from being passive. There is nothing strong or courageous in reacting to hardship or insults with anger—all we are doing is being defeated by our delusions. On the other hand, by standing up to our delusions and refusing to fall into our well-worn mental grooves of intolerance and non-acceptance, we are taking a very strong, active stance.
In reality, most of our emotional problems are nothing more than a failure to accept things as they are—in which case it is patient acceptance, rather than attempting to change externals, that is the solution. For example, many of our relationship problems arise because we do not accept our partner as he or she is. In these cases the solution is not to change our partner into what we would like him to be, but to accept him fully as he is. There are many levels of acceptance. Perhaps we already try to tolerate our partner’s idiosyncrasies, refrain from criticizing him or her, and go along with his wishes most of the time, but in the depths of our heart have we given up judging him? Are we completely free from resentment and blaming? Isn’t there still a subtle thought that he should be different from the way he is? True patience involves letting go of all these thoughts.
Once we fully accept other people as they are without the slightest judgment or reservation—the way all enlightened beings accept us—then there will be no basis for problems in our relations with others. Problems do not exist outside our mind, so when we stop seeing other people as problems they stop being problems. The person who is a problem to a non-accepting mind does not exist in the calm, clear space of patient acceptance.
Patient acceptance not only helps us, it also helps those we are patient with. Being accepted feels very different from being judged. When someone feels judged, they automatically become tight and defensive, but when they feel accepted they can relax, and this allows their good qualities to come to the surface. Patience always solves our inner problems, and it often solves problems between people as well.